As 2020 comes to an end, and thank goodness for that, I reflect on the tumultuous time I’ve had over the past few months.
Before the passing of my father-in-law in July, I became sick. No, I haven’t had Covid yet. I suffered a migraine attack after a run that lasted for 3 days. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. To make matters worse, I was misdiagnosed by my GP, and not given proper medication leading to continuous tension headaches. I couldn’t work, couldn’t write, or even exercise for the most part.
I saw a Neurologist who was able to treat my condition and place me on medication to control the headaches. My diet changed, I drank 3 liters of water and had to commence exercising which was hard to do with the medication that had side effects on my body for a few weeks. During this time, I fell into a state of depression questioning everything about my life.
Nothing made sense anymore. Prior to this, I was having my book edited, wanted it published, but now there was no desire to get it there any longer. I questioned whether I wanted to be a Romance Author, whether I wanted to write full time, as I’d wished for such a long time, even planning to leave my job. My greatest fear was becoming a burden to my husband should I not succeed in the writing field. Another factor was that my children weren’t established yet and they needed my support, so staying in my job was what was needed for now.
Yet every-time I thought of my writing brought about a panic attack. I felt like a failure like I’d let myself down. All the work that I’d put into my novel, not being able to see it through made me sad. As much as I tried to sit down to it, I couldn’t. It was not the right time and it was hard to accept. This period was like wading through water not having sight of the shore.
For the first time in my life, I had no clue what I wanted to do anymore. I, the disciplined, perfectionistic, competitive, go-getter of goals had lost her motivation. I felt as if I’d lost a part of myself in the process. I knew that I wasn’t alone for many were fighting harsher battles this year.
I decided to contact an astrologer for a reading on my future that I seemed so unsure of. Having never been to a reading before, I was excited and nervous at the same time. The astrologer having looked at my birth chart was able to see that I was going through a mid-life crisis and it had been going on for a 5-year period! As for not publishing my book, Mercury was in Retrograde, which meant that everything was going backward for me, frustrating me to no end in unproductivity and would last until the end of November. The good news was that writing was definitely in my future. This was not a year for production but a year of reflection on what I needed and not what I wanted.
And I believe that was what 2020 wanted me to see. Being a goal-driven person I was always striving for wants – doing more, working harder, writing more and I realize that’s not what I want for myself anymore. Yes, I want to write, publish books, become a success, but there has to be a balanced approach to everything. I need to live, to breathe, to BE. I need to be loved, I need romance, I need to be near the sea, I need to exercise to my heart’s content, I need to be carefree, but mostly I need my freedom.