I was placed on antidepressants 5 years ago. It was in 2020 when Covid caused everyone to stay in-doors. I never thought I would ever need them, and having to use them brought along many side effects.

I returned home from a 10km run in March 2020 and while I was standing in the garden taking a picture, the rays of light hit my eyes. I immediately felt dizzy, my head was aching, and I had a general feeling that something was terribly wrong. I had not eaten breakfast and went inside to eat something. But that didn’t help as I couldn’t shake off the discomfort I felt. I had a shower, tried to work on my computer but the words were swimming on the screen. I went to lay down as I didn’t know what to do.

The next day I decided to go to my GP. I drove myself there not realising I should’ve asked someone to accompany me. When I described my symptoms to my GP, he said it wasn’t anything serious and prescribed rest as it was probably running induced. I was shocked as I couldn’t focus, couldn’t work and now my GP was telling me it was nothing! I drove home and went to rest as prescribed hoping the pain would disappear. When I searched my symptoms online, everything pointed to a migraine. How my GP couldn’t identify it baffled me. Strong medication is required otherwise symptoms could worsen. I had the migraine for 3 days before it left me.

I noticed thereafter I was constantly getting headaches and whenever I used over the counter headache tablets my headaches exacerbated. I decided to contact a specialist for headaches and went to see a neurologist. When I described what I was going through, he immediately said I had low serotonin levels. How could this be when I was always running in the sun and therefore should not be lacking vitamin D. But the doctor advised it affected my mood, and I was agitated quickly. He prescribed antidepressants to lift my mood and counter the headaches.

All I wanted was for the headaches to stop and I was prepared to try anything to get back to normal living. But what the neurologist failed to inform me was that stopping antidepressants would cause serious withdrawals depending on how long one uses them. None the wiser, I started the antidepressants and immediately felt side effects of being on the medication. I felt nauseous and out of sorts for a while, but the headaches had disappeared. Before long I was on a high. The antidepressants lifted my mood and I felt wonderful. Over the 5-year period I was on them, I changed medications as my stress levels at work increased. When I started new medication, the side-effects began until my body acclimatised to it.

During my time on antidepressants I picked up 10kgs. The weight creeped up slowly and I noticed that my running speed was declining. When I complained to my doctor, he said the medication contributed to weight gain but stopping it would be detrimental to the headaches returning and all the benefits I was receiving. So, I stuck to them, and asked for the lowest dosage.

Peninsula marathon took place in February and I had trained for it. But it didn’t go well as I missed the cut-off time and the organisers pulled me off the road. It had never happened to me before. I was dismayed and couldn’t understand why I was performing so poorly in a sport that I love and excelled in. When I met my doctor again, I informed him about the result and he decided to take me off my medication as I had the Two Oceans marathon over the weekend. Stunned, I immediately asked about the withdrawals. He said there were no withdrawals for antidepressants and it was all in my head. I knew previously when I missed the medication, I encountered awful withdrawals but now he said it wouldn’t happen? I trusted my doctor and stopped them.

On Saturday, one day before the race I felt dreadful. I had diarrhea that would not stop. I took something to end it and hardly slept the evening. But I decided to go to the race nevertheless. I wasn’t feeling my best but I ran slowly with my husband and we managed to finish the race in a good time. But I was still feeling terrible even after a long nap. That’s when I realised I was going through withdrawal symptoms. Reading online of people who had stopped their medication prematurely, confirmed how important it was to taper off them. This didn’t happen with me and I was upset. The next day I felt worst. I was getting brain zaps, had insomnia and felt constant nausea. I immediately contacted my doctor and said I was going through the worst withdrawals and he prescribed starting the antidepressants again and going on a stronger dosage!

I was confused and livid. Here I was going through horrible withdrawal symptoms because he advised me to stop the medication and now I had to get back on them? It dawned on me that I would never be able to get off them in the future if I started again and since I was already going through hell I might as well carry on. Reading online, patients said the withdrawals lasted a long time depending how long the antidepressants were used. I had been on them for 5 years and how long would I suffer?

But I’ve stuck it out, dealing with stomach bug symptoms, brain zaps and insomnia for several nights. I felt off most days, and stopped exercising for a while to adjust to the withdrawals. Eventually I returned to running and found that there was improvement in my times and pace. I sat outside in the sun, and took a multi-vitamin to boost my energy levels. The only concern I have now is the insomnia, but I started taking melatonin to aid this and will stop it soon to see if my sleep patterns improve.

After what I’ve endured on antidepressants, I don’t want to ever go back on them. I am not against people who need to use them for mental conditions as I was happy on them for 5 years and my headaches declined. But a withdrawal nightmare is scary. Doctors do not warn their patients about them when starting treatment, perhaps then patients would think twice. But this is so wrong because no one wants to stay addicted to chronic medication forever.

I’ve been through so many changes over the years — trying to improve my life, giving up drinking and smoking, living a healthy lifestyle, leaving a job that affected my mental health, and now stopping antidepressants. Each new change was hard to enforce, and affected me in so many ways but were all part of my growth. I believe this too shall pass if I stay true to myself and do what is best for me, I can overcome anything.