We can plan, but God decides.

I had big plans for my life this year. When I left my job last year in November, I thought 2025 was going to be my year. Not only was I turning 50 but I wanted to focus on things that made my soul feel alive.

On the first day of retirement in December, I thought I would be happy and relieved I was finally doing what I’ve always dreamed of. Sadly, it wasn’t the case. Instead, I kept thinking about the job I’d stayed in for 20 years and resigned from. Deep regret arrived as the days disappeared and turned into months where I had nothing but time as my constant companion. It became clear that the decision I took was based on high emotions and deep resentments I had with managers. Instead of communicating my unhappiness to them, I left as I believed things wouldn’t change.

Leaving my job caused immense strife. I lost a regular pay check, my benefits, my independence and had to rely on my husband to pay the bills. My husband was rushed to hospital in January for kidney stones and since we didn’t have medical-aid he couldn’t go for surgery to remove them. The pain of my decision hit hard and continues to sting.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything I could do to change my situation but look for another job. I applied for every job I could find to replace the one I had. The landscape of applying and landing a job has changed remarkably. Thousands of job seekers are applying for the same position because the unemployment rate in South Africa is sky-high. I’ve applied for hundreds of jobs and went for 3 interviews with no success. I’ve applied for low paying jobs because even with my years of experience, I’m seen as a risk because of my age.

Of course the whole process left me depressed and battling my mental health. My doctor pulled me off the anti-depressants I was on for 5 years, which was a good thing as I couldn’t afford them any longer. I grieved my job in the only way I could by praying, meditating, staying close to the fellowship and keeping fit.

I threw myself into editing my 2^nd novel and began the process of publishing it. Fighting for Fame was self-published in July and was marketed extensively. I printed 100 copies of the novel, the cost was high, but I figured I would sell the books fast. To date I haven’t sold half the copies and I’m running at a loss. I quickly learned that pursuing my passion wasn’t going to sustain me, in fact I needed money to keep self-publishing my books.

Through all this I looked for a new sponsor in AA. I’m still not sure whether I’ve found the right person to guide me into the future, but I keep searching for a mentor to fill this vital role in my sobriety. I’ve reached out to a life coach to help me secure a job and get my head back in the game. I realised that I cannot do it alone. When I isolate myself and don’t communicate my needs, I go into a dark place that’s hard to see the light.

Change is incredibly hard to accept. I was holding onto the past, the job, the money, the people and it was difficult to let go. In order to do that, I had to forgive myself for the decision I made, and the impact it had on me and my family. I had to stop thinking I was a failure because I left my job. Acceptance was the key and the path was paved with sacrifice and self-reflection.

Despite the massive changes my decision caused, there were blessings. I had the opportunity to travel when I really needed to escape reality. My husband took me on a European holiday to celebrate my 50^th birthday and the experience will live with us forever.

I was able to write more than ever before. I have the space and time to explore my creativity and devote more time to my passions. I run more, gym and swim every week. My week starts quietly without an alarm clock, to exercise and work at my own pace. I’m present for my family, do service in AA and potter around the garden.

One word to describe 2025 is humbling. I hit rock-bottom and had to unlearn who I was for the past 30 years. Far too much of myself was tied to jobs, the roles I played and the environment I was in. It made me feel at times like I was nothing without them and totally replaceable. But I was so much more. I am a person with dreams, values and high standards set for myself. We are constantly changing, what was important in our 20s is not what we want in our 50s. Change comes with a hefty price tag, and I paid for it by sitting in discomfort and uncertainty of what the future holds.

Despite not being where I want to be, I have faith in God’s plan for me with the knowledge that he hasn’t forsaken me before and every storm runs out of rain.